Monday, February 9, 2009

Living Contradictions

I have found a new blog site to follow. Actually I have discovered several in the last week, but I am really liking this one. It's kind of scary because it is almost as if this woman has climbed inside my head and is reading from the crevices of my brain.

So I'm reading these posts looking for nuggets that I can add to my treasure trove of self discovery, and I come across one entitled You're a Mess of Contradictions. How Very Beautiful. Okay. I'll take the bait. I admit it. I am a Mess of Contradictions. Let me see just how far down this rabbit hole I can go by answering some of the questions she poses in the blog.

First one: When has someone said, “That really surprises me about you,” “I can’t believe you did that”? Okay, slight variation coming, but not really. I am so easily intimidated and extremely shy. There are people who can just enter my presence and I will almost crumble into a pile of mush on the floor. As for parties, no thanks. If I have to go, I want to be with someone around whose arm I can wrap my hands and cling for security. When I have shared this with others, they laugh as if I have lost my mind. Comments like, "You? Intimidated by anything or anyone? Shy? Gimme a break! You are the intimidator! There's not a shy bone in your body!" Ironic that someone who is apparently a bit intimidating is in fact extremely intimidated by others who are outspoken or in a position of authority. And as for the original blog's author, give me a stage and I'll perform, but send me into a group of people to be social, and dental work is more appealing.

Number two: Where do you feel the pull to compromise vs. rebel? I would have to say where my paycheck is concerned, apparently I will compromise. This became very evident about a year ago when I defended someone in a very public way only to experience the disapproval of my superiors who strongly disliked what I had done. I had done nothing illegal. I had done nothing unethical or immoral. I had taken a stand on a matter about which I felt strongly, but which could have potentially interfered with the quiet exit they had sought for the person I was defending. When it was suggested that my actions had jeopardized my job (which to this day I am not sure was even legal on their part), I quickly cowed to authority amidst a mild panic attack and a couple of weeks of significant stress. I'm still not sure I've forgiven myself for being such a spineless baby. Fear won that battle. Not something I am proud of.

Number three: Guilt can be a primo indicator for inner truth tugs. What are your guilty pleasures or indulgences? Kind of a toughy here. I can make myself feel guilty for lots of stuff and still indulge. I guess the most significant is spending money. I LOVE to spend money. I love to spend it for products and services that reveal to me more about who I am. I like self-help books, self-improvement websites, spiritual discovery information, etc. I feel a teensy bit guilty when I indulge in them, and you can bet that if anyone else in the family spent money on that type of stuff, I would be very annoyed with them. I also love sweets. As a kid, I could find a bag of semi sweet chocolate chips in the deep freeze and devour them in a very short time period. I tend to hoard when it comes to sweets. I know I shouldn't, but that's how it is. Then my hips bear the guilt.

Number four: What do you save for special occasions {from your dancin’ shoes to your verbal affection}? Hmm...gonna have to think about this one. I guess I'd have to say the lace tablecloth that was my grandmother's. It doesn't come out very often. My wedding ring is another one. I am madly in love with my husband of 20 years, but I do not like to wear my ring. He doesn't wear his either. It's just too...confining. Jewelry of any kind for that matter. There had better be royalty showing up to shake my hand for me to wear jewelry. "I love you's" are saved for very special occasions. I wish I would let those little words slip out more often, but they just don't roll off my tongue with any ease. This is probably because they are frequently tied to tears (see a couple of entries further down the post), and I don't do tears. Actually I DO do tears, but not by choice. It's a genetic defect. They come at the most inconvenient and inappropriate times. AAARRRGGGHHH!!!!!

Number five: What would going “wild” look like for you? Gee whiz....that's kind of scary. Okay...warning. This part will not be G rated or even PG. Beware. You have been warned. Mom, Dad, children of mine, look away. I'll start with a gentle one. Going wild for me might mean getting drunk or high. I've been tipsy once, but never drunk and certainly never high. I'm too much of a control freak to let that happen. Going wild would be me buying two plane tickets to Paris (France, not Texas) for a weekend rendezvous with my amazing incredible hot husband. Wild for me would be me, him, trampoline, stars, no blanket, and me actually relaxing with four kids living at home. Use your imagination. See, I can't even come out and say it when I think certain people might read this. Going wild for me would be leaving the security of a monthly paycheck to live out my passions and dreams.

Number six: What do you deny yourself? Very little. Actually that's not true. I deny myself the right to cry when I want to. I hate crying in anyone else's presence. I just hate it. It's that control freak stuff rearing its head. I also deny myself the right to say what is really on my mind because I don't like hurting people or having them angry with me. I know. Hard to believe this one. Trust me. If I said what was really on my mind, I probably wouldn't have a friend left in the world and you would be picking up the tattered remnants of your shredded self-image.

Various other contradictions in my life: I am a pro-choice pro-lifer. I am a sarcastic, caring antagonist. I am probably a Christian Buddhist, and truth be known, I think Jesus was, too. I am a positive thinking worrier. I can be a very encouraging witch (....some of you will want to put the "b" in place of the "w", and I totally understand). I am a copy-machine-and-phone-system-challenged technology guru. I am a city-dwelling farm girl. Okay, that one is a stretch. I live inside the city limits of a town of 5000 people, but I am working my way to the outskirts of town where there is dirt and livestock and manure. I am a liberal republican and a conservative democrat, although Libertarian may be more accurate. I want to be in control, but I don't want to be in charge. And finally, I am a health, wellness, and fitness fanatic in an overweight middle-aged, need-to-exercise-more body. Kind of sad since that is my passion.

What about you? Any contradictions in your life?

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